


Old Idiots

by efrondeur



Category: RWBY
Genre: Crack, First Dates, Humor, M/M, Memes, This Is Honestly Just One Huge Train Wreck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 03:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7150961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efrondeur/pseuds/efrondeur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Qrow and James go out on their first date... It doesn't go too well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Idiots

**Author's Note:**

> A few things that I need to say:
> 
> 1) This was written with the sole purpose to be awful.
> 
> 2) This whole thing is written comically. None of this is all that serious.
> 
> 3) I've posted on my tumblr a while ago that I wanted to write a fic that was just an absolute train wreck (for the characters, author, and reader), so I decided to actually do it.
> 
> 4) I honestly don't even know why I'm posting this, but here it is.

Qrow and James walked through the door of Pagoda Inn just after six. It was a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant, perfect for the first date of two old men who really should’ve figured out that they were hardcore crushing on each other sooner.

James put his hand on the small of Qrow’s back and led him over to the table in the corner. It seemed as if the wall had thrown so much shade at the table that it curled up within itself.

Anyways, the two sat down as a younger boy with bright blue hair came over with menus, napkins, and silverware. He set them in front of James and Qrow and went over and through the kitchen doors before coming back with two glasses of water. He left quickly, unwilling to start any sort of casual conversation before he absolutely had to.

The grown ass men quickly grabbed at their menus and hid themselves in them. Both were unsure how to go about this situation. Sure, they had “the hots” for each other and had been friends for years, but god they acted like they were twelve when it came to real relationships.

“Do you know what you’re going to get?” asked James quietly after an extremely awkward and extremely long stretch of silence. He refused to look at Qrow; his face was Tickle Me Pink, and his heart was racing. _Why was everything but my dick so hard right now? Over ten years of friendship has dissolved me into a blushing like a little sixth-grader? Brain, why?_

Qrow looked up and furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”

“Do, uh, do-d,” James cleared his throat, “Do you know what you’re going to get?” James’ voice cracked on the last word, and he had to resist the urge to just get up and walk out before this train wreck of a date somehow got worse. Instead he grabbed his water and chugged.

“Oh, yeah, I’m gonna get cashew chicken and fried rice. Um, you?” Qrow put his menu down on the table.

James tried to answer as quickly as he could, but he had forgotten he was chugging water like he had lived the last five years without it. He started talking with water still in his mouth and ended up choking.

Qrow’s eyes widened and held his hands out towards James, as if that would somehow help him, but James turned his head into his elbow and coughed for a little while before the water finally went down the right tube. He was officially Radical Red.

“Are… Are you okay?” asked Qrow, hands still held out in front of James.

“Fine,” James croaked. He was Not Fine™. Stupidly enough, James drank more water to compose himself. “I’m thinking about egg rolls and white rice, thoughts?”

“Um,” Qrow nodded his head a couple times and made the “Awkward White Person” face, “Good idea.” He nodded some more.

James nodded and turned back to his menu. Thankfully enough for both of them, the waiter came over.

“Hi, I’m Azzu, and I’ll be your waiter for the evening. Would you two like anything else to drink?” he asked.

James and Qrow looked at each other, raising their eyebrows over and over again for a good minute.

“I think we’re good,” said Qrow, finally.

“Great. Are you ready to order or do you need some more time?”

More eyebrow raising.

“We’re ready,” said James turning back to the waiter. “I’ll have three egg rolls and white rice on the side.”

“Okay. Pork, chicken, or shrimp?”

“Hmm?” asked James.

“Pork, chicken, or shrimp?” repeated Azzu.

“Umm, yeah.”

“Sorry?”

Qrow put his head in his hands, trying to hide his laughter. This caused James to turn Sunburnt Cyclops red.

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t hear you,” said James. _Train. Wreck._

“Would you like pork, chicken, or shrimp on your egg rolls?”

“Oh. Pork, please.”

“Sure. And you?” asked Azzu, turning to Qrow.

“I’ll get the cashew chicken and some fried rice,” said Qrow, lifting his head from his hands with an embarrassed smile on his face. Somehow, he wasn’t red. Then again, _he_ wasn’t the one who just made an absolute fool of himself in front of his date.

“Of course, I’ll go put the orders in.” Azzu walked to over to the kitchen. Once the door was closed there was boisterous laughter, followed by hushed words, followed by at least three more people laughing. James hit Maximum Red.

The two made small talk as they waited for their food. It wasn’t extremely awkward, but they never met the others’ eyes for more than a couple seconds. Qrow was busy playing with the condensation coming off of his water glass, and James couldn’t stop playing with his glove.

When Azzu brought the food over, James silently rejoiced in the fact that he wouldn’t be forced to constantly talk, but that went down the shitter, as Qrow had other things in mind.

As Azzu left and the two had taken their first bites, Qrow pointed his fork at James. “You’re cybernetics go down the right side of your body,” he stated.

“Correct,” said James. He ate another bite of his egg roll. Hole-in-the-wall or not, the food was damn good.

“And it’s in a straight line down your center, yes?” James hummed in agreement. “So, is your,” Qrow made a small circle around the bottom of James toso with his fork, “metal, too?”

James’ eyebrows pinched together. “I… don’t know what you’re trying to say.”

“Your… y’know.”

“I’m afraid I don’t?” The last word came out as more of question than a statement.

“Your soldier.” James stared at him blankly. “Your chief of staff.” Nothing. “Earthworm… The dicktator… Cupid’s personal arrow… Weapon of ass destruction.”

“ _What_?” James looked bewildered.

Qrow let out a long sigh. “Your… pistol.”

“My gun? Yes it’s metal.”

Qrow put his elbow on the table and forehead in his hand. He let out an even longer sigh “Oh my god, is your last name true?”

“Well, yes… It’s my real last-,” James’ eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Yeah. ‘Oh’.”

Brick Red. “Um. I, uh…,” James stumbled. “Yes,” he said, very quietly.

“Was that a yes?” asked Qrow. A small incredulous smile graced his face

James cleared his throat and looked away. _Brick Red_. “Yeah.”

Qrow went silent and James chanced looking over at him. He had turned back to his food, but a dumb, cheeky grin was plastered on his face. And, boy, did that worry him. What was he planning?

All in all, the rest of the dinner went horribly. James spilled his drink all over the table and Qrow, and the waiter had to come over to clean it up. James tried to help but ended up making it worse by knocking over Qrow’s bowl of rice. After that, the two gave a _very_ generous tip and left. James led the two over to his car. He couldn’t even look at Qrow he was so embarrassed.

James quickly pulled out of the parking space, and almost ran into the car waiting for him to pull out, earning a loud and excessively long honk. James quickly drove back to their apartment building.

The two lived on the same floor, and god did James wish they didn’t. Normally it was nice; he got to see Qrow often, but after _that_ date, James just wanted to go hide in his apartment as quickly as he could.

The elevator ride was silent, leading James to clear his throat _six_ times in an attempt to lessen just how awkward he felt.

As the door dinged, the two stepped towards the door at the same time, and played the ‘you first, no you’ game until the doors almost closed on them. Qrow gave in and walked out, James right behind him.

They stopped in front of Qrow’s door. Qrow unlocked it and then turned to look at him as he bit his lip. James just kinda stood there. Staring at him. He had _no idea_ what to do. Although, Qrow did.

Qrow took a step forward, rose up onto his toes, and put his arms around James’ shoulders. He leaned his head in. James wrapped his arms around him and hugged him.

“Oh,” Qrow said as James pulled him into the hug.

James pulled back quickly, eyes wide. “What?”

Qrow looked at him. “Uh. Here.” Qrow leaned his head in again and pressed a small, quick kiss to James lips. He then ducked out of James’ grip and opened the door. “Um, g’night.”

“Uh, yeah. Goodnight.” Qrow quickly closed the door. James _sprinted_ down to his apartment, unlocked and opened the door, and collapsed on the other side of it, knees to his chest and head in his hands.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod,” said James to himself. “Ya done fucked up, James. Ya done fucked up.”

James sat there in a small ball of shame for who knows how long, but after awhile, he heard a small ping from his scroll. He grabbed it from his pockets and saw he had a message. _Oh, no_ . _It’s from Qrow_.

After taking a minute to get his shit together, he opened the text.

“ _Hey, so, that was. An experience._ ” it read. “ _How about we try again? You can come over tomorrow night and I could cook dinner? Or if you don’t want that we could do something else? Or if you just don’t want to that’s fine._ ”

James sighed. _Thank god_.

“ _No I would love to. Tomorrow, your place._ ” He debated for a good few minutes as to whether or not he should reword it. Eventually he just hit send and hoped for the best.

A couple seconds later Qrow responded. “ _Sounds amazing, see ya then. Night <3_” The emoticon definitely did _not_ make his heart jump ~~_except it did_ ~~.

“ _Goodnight <3_”

Tomorrow would be better. It had to be. Nothing could be worse than that date… Right?

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Comments are love.
> 
>  
> 
> [I'm on tumblr](http://qrowisbae.tumblr.com)


End file.
